Who Am I Now?

I don’t usually watched late night teleseryes. But it suddenly came out that this very early morning, I tried to watch the MHL for September 25’s episode. There was a clip that caught me crying :). When Lally delivered in front of the students on her first day of school introducing herself where her audience were very young faces. The lines goes like this “hi my  name is Eulalia, yes yan ang tunay na first name ko pero sa mga lahat ng kaibigan ko maging sa pamilya ko lally ang tawag nila sakin…ipinangalan ako ng mother ko sa g isang santa na nabasa daw niya sa isang calendaryo..pero hindi ako santa at marami akong pagkakamali sa buhay ko at gusto kong itama ang lahat ng yun kaya nagbalik ako dito…kaya nandito ako sa university. i am 30 yrs old a lot older than all of you at aaminin kong kahit mas matanda ako sa inyo nininerbyos pa din ako dahil..dahil sa edad ko..i just hope that you’ll not see me as an older person or someone na naiiba sa inyo kundi isang studyante lang din na gustong matuto, may gustong marating, gustong makabangon ulit, tumayo sa sariling paa at magtagumpay“. Let me give you a very short description of who Lally is. She is an intelligent student in college. Unfortunately, she was not able to graduate because she got pregnant unexpectedly. To make story short, she got married and had two kids. Her dream to finish her studies stops because she took responsibilities too early as a very good mother and wife to the man she married who later turned out to be gay. She passed through so many heartaches till she become numb. Until one day, she looked at herself on the mirror, applied make up and assessed herself who is she now. After watching that episode, I just don’t know why the adrenalin of crying rushed throughout my body! I admit that  my tears are too shallow. I am easily carried by those teleseryes. Maybe because I can relate with it? Like Lally, I am envisioning myself talking and introducing myself in front of people. But like her, I think I also don’t know where to start. Who Am I now? Do I still know myself?  There were times that I can’t help it thinking the past. During my youths, I was full of dreams. I was an active student as far as I remember. I was a leader, always have the passion to serve, balancing my work and studies and still I have the chance to do extra curricular activities. I was even awarded as “Student of The Year 2007” during my college days. Well, they say that move on..forget the past and face the future. That saying maybe true. But admittedly every person has past that will always keep on coming back in their mind.  Whenever my mentor, Ate Divine would ask me, what’s your short term goal? long term goal? what’s your plan now?? I can’t easily answer it now because of so many hesitations, soo many fears. Those characteristics  I mentioned above were gone. I could feel that my self steem now is too low. Who Am I now? Where will I go? I just don’t know yet. But what I am sure for now is to pray that I can enroll this coming school year so I can start my life again.

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